i think i have depression.  or maybe all this lost sleep is giving me a horrible attitude.  we dont sleep in the same bed anymore.  i look back at pictures of myself and i am ashamed at who i have allowed myself to become.  i want to cry.  i want to run away. i yell, every day.  i yell at my 3 year old, i yell at my 3 month old. i yell at my dog, i yell at my husband, i yell at myself. i am far from God. far from where i want to be.  far from His grace.  every night i cry.  i miss feeling God.  I miss being normal. i am a bad mom.  a bad wife. a bad friend. a bad person.  sometimes i pray that God would take me in the night because this constant lump in my throat is painful, the saltiness of my tears is overwhelming, and this lonliness is eating away at me.  people think i am weird.  i tried to open a crochet shop but nobody is interested.  i make pretty things.  i want people to like me.  ive only ever wanted people to like me.  i have friends who like me when i am around and then pretend i dont exist when im not nearby.  i dont trust anyone.  i only trust my children because they are of me. i dont want to leave my kids alone with anyone because i dont trust anyone with them.  im afraid my husband will hurt my son or daughter.  his temper is bad lately.  he doesnt look at me the same anymore.  i think he is cheating on me or has cheated on me recently.   i had a beautiful homebirth but it was tarnished by these bad feelings.  all i wanted was someone to help me with tj and some of the housework because i couldnt do it all by myself...but i had to. i wanted to lay down and sleep with my brand new baby but i couldnt.  i feel so worthless to my family.  i cling to people who are nice to me and then they get scared because i come off as creepy.  i dont want to be creepy.  i miss our old life in the army so much. i wonder why God let all that happen.  i want my husband to like me and love me. i dont want him to hurt our kids or cheat on me.  i dont want to be a burden to anyone so i dont ask for help but when i do ask for help nobody is available.  why?  i dont want to feel this way anymore God. please help me. i want to praise you no matter what. we havent paid our tithes in so long, what can i do?  please dont send me or my family to hell.  i love you God. 

It makes my husband not want to be around me.  It makes my son start to mimic my undesirable outbursts.  It makes me dislike myself.  Why I get this way is beyond me.  I refuse to acknowledge that word, I will not put that on myself.  Maybe it is wrong of me, but I will not some word take over my life.  I have been praying for deliverance from this, but where is it?  Why am I feeling this way after having been free from this feeling for many years?  Have I done something to bring this onslaught of emotion??  Our circumstances have changed drastically in the last year so maybe it has affected me more than I realized.  My son is starting to yell and scream and I know he is picking it up from me.  I hate that I make him do that.  I want that to stop, I want him to be nice and speak nicely.  I understand he will get frustrated, but I know that I am the reason he takes it to a completely different level.  God are you there?  I know I haven't been perfect and I have not been studying your word like I know I need to.  Please hear my plea for deliverance.  From this affliction and this horrible ugliness inside me.  I hate the devil and I dont want him anywhere near me or my family.  Jesus, I am calling out to you in the midnight hour because my soul is overwhelmed.  My loved ones curse me and those who have called me sister are nowhere to be found.  I need you God, you are the only one I can trust and the only one who can free me from my pain.  I cry tears of sadness every day, tears of misery every night.  Half the time I cant even tell why I cry.  Where does this pain and misery come from??  Not from you Lord.  I have been baptized in water and in the spirit...but where is the anointing when I need it? Protect me Jesus, be a fence all around me...my walls they are crumbling.  Holy Spirit fill me with your peace and comfort.  In whom else can I trust?  I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue...where else can I go?