i think i have depression.  or maybe all this lost sleep is giving me a horrible attitude.  we dont sleep in the same bed anymore.  i look back at pictures of myself and i am ashamed at who i have allowed myself to become.  i want to cry.  i want to run away. i yell, every day.  i yell at my 3 year old, i yell at my 3 month old. i yell at my dog, i yell at my husband, i yell at myself. i am far from God. far from where i want to be.  far from His grace.  every night i cry.  i miss feeling God.  I miss being normal. i am a bad mom.  a bad wife. a bad friend. a bad person.  sometimes i pray that God would take me in the night because this constant lump in my throat is painful, the saltiness of my tears is overwhelming, and this lonliness is eating away at me.  people think i am weird.  i tried to open a crochet shop but nobody is interested.  i make pretty things.  i want people to like me.  ive only ever wanted people to like me.  i have friends who like me when i am around and then pretend i dont exist when im not nearby.  i dont trust anyone.  i only trust my children because they are of me. i dont want to leave my kids alone with anyone because i dont trust anyone with them.  im afraid my husband will hurt my son or daughter.  his temper is bad lately.  he doesnt look at me the same anymore.  i think he is cheating on me or has cheated on me recently.   i had a beautiful homebirth but it was tarnished by these bad feelings.  all i wanted was someone to help me with tj and some of the housework because i couldnt do it all by myself...but i had to. i wanted to lay down and sleep with my brand new baby but i couldnt.  i feel so worthless to my family.  i cling to people who are nice to me and then they get scared because i come off as creepy.  i dont want to be creepy.  i miss our old life in the army so much. i wonder why God let all that happen.  i want my husband to like me and love me. i dont want him to hurt our kids or cheat on me.  i dont want to be a burden to anyone so i dont ask for help but when i do ask for help nobody is available.  why?  i dont want to feel this way anymore God. please help me. i want to praise you no matter what. we havent paid our tithes in so long, what can i do?  please dont send me or my family to hell.  i love you God.